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I'm writing this witness about Alpha to share my faith, experience, strength and hope with you. I was born and raised in the early forties, in the Midwest bible belt. When I was a child, my mother would take me to church services/fire and brimstone - hell and eternal damnation from the pulpit. The God that I learned about was a stern disciplinarian who seemed to be angry about something most of the time and barely tolerated people. My understanding of God was that He sort of lay in ambush waiting for you to sin. If you did sin,which was inevitable,you would receive some harsh and swift punishment and then be handed over to the devil, who, in turn, would exact his "pound of flesh". I succumbed to the "evil of the world" at a fairly early age. When nothing happened to me after a few experiments with sin, I dismissed religion as a hoax, designed to keep me in line and prevent me from having fun. I turned away from religion, church, faith and God while still quite young. Over the next forty five years or so, I ran my life on my own devices and self-will, and very nearly succeeded in running it into the ground. On the rare occasions when I did attend church, it would be at the "urging" of my wife, Crystal, who is a devout Christian. My childhood was full of negative experiences. I was raised in a dysfunctional family, riddled with the devastating effects of alcohol abuse and violence. Early on, I experienced feelings of shame, guilt and inferiority, feelings that became deeply ingrained over the years. I was envious of other children who had what appeared to be "good" lives, and felt that I was unworthy, that such "good" people would never accept me if they knew the truth about my family and me. To escape these unpleasant feelings, I learned to suppress my feelings, live in a "fantasy" world, to daydream, anything to escape reality. I also learned to build a facade for "normal" people, so that in their eyes, I could be "just like them", "normal", and accepted by "them". I concluded at an early age, that the only thing that mattered was what people "saw", the image that was projected. If I appeared to be "as good" as anyone, reality didn't matter. I could even be "superior", if it "appeared" that I was. I also discovered the "miracle" of alcohol at a very early age. I discovered that if I drank, I didn't have to work so hard at suppressing my feelings. Moreover, if I drank enough, I didn't have to suppress my feelings at all, they just disappeared!!! With that backdrop, I set out in my mid-teens to "be everything I could be". I bought into the great world of "Materialism" wholeheartedly. I served successfully in the military, acquiring an advanced business degree along the way, and retired after twenty years of service. Now I was ready for the world of business, three piece suits, promotions and titles, big house, several fine cars, and money, lots of money. I became a senior officer in not just one corporation, but two, concurrently!!! I just knew that if I could get enough of the right things, that the empty, lonely feeling that annoyed me from time to time, and I medicated with alcohol, would be eradicated. I couldn't understand why that euphoric feeling that came with the next new car, or whatever, didn't last. It must be that there was just one more thing to achieve, to acquire, then I would arrive at that eternal state of happiness. Of course, it would be much easier if I didn't have to deal with people, relationships, what a nuisance, they were barely tolerable with alcohol, and sometimes, not even then. Over time, the euphoria between "acquisitions" became briefer and briefer, and then it didn't appear at all. Even the things that I had acquired took on a different meaning, becoming burdensome, a source of frustration and resentment. The alcohol became too much for the people in my life, and they also disappeared. Then, there wasn't enough alcohol available to obliterate that empty, lonely feeling, its presence would not be denied, I had to accept it and live with it, alcohol no longer worked for me, its "miracle" left me, too. Just over fourteen months ago, I was a lost, sick sinner dying of alcoholism. I had destroyed my life and severely damaged the lives of others. I had nearly destroyed my marriage of over thirty-four years. I had alienated my children and I wasn't permitted to see my grandchildren. My life was in shambles, and I was a shell of a person, not a pretty picture. I was morally and spiritually dead. The prognosis for my physical health was dismal at best. I had just been discharged (again) from the hospital for treatment of alcoholism, an affliction that I have struggled with most of my life. I recall having a thought that I was going to die soon. It didn't surprise or upset me, actually, I calmly accepted it, because I knew that it was true, inevitable and unavoidable. I simply acknowledged defeat, I knew that I had lost the struggle with alcoholism. It wasn't that I consciously wanted to die, but rather I knew that neither I nor any other person could save me, they had all tried in vain and given up, myself included. Over the years, I had made many attempts to achieve sobriety, resorting to medication, doctor's care, psychiatric sessions, detoxification centers, in-patient and after-care programs, and group therapy, all to no avail. It was generally a foregone conclusion that one of two things would happen. I would either drink myself to death or it would be necessary to commit me to an institution. The Sunday following my discharge from the hospital, my wife, Crystal, asked me to attend Mass with her. I promptly said, "no, then without any conscious thought, I abruptly "decided" to go. Father Tom Forrest gave the homily that Sunday, and it was on self-will. To say that I was moved is an understatement, it was as if others attending Mass were there by coincidence, that the message was specifically for me. During Mass, an announcement was made that Father Tom would be conducting a mission and parishioners were also invited to attend an upcoming Alpha seminar. After Mass, I told Crystal that I felt as though I needed to attend both of these events, totally out of character for me. I did attend the mission and Alpha, and Crystal participated along with me. That was the turning point in my life. Through Alpha, my consciousness was awakened to God, Faith and Christianity, albeit through a much kinder, gentler perspective. I began to develop a sense of new purpose and direction in life, that it wasn't all about having more, having the best, competing, being the winner, dominating, asserting my will. People, family, friends, relationships, kindness, caring, consideration, generosity, feelings and emotions that had lain dormant in me for years, rose to the proper level of importance and priority in my life. I realized that material things could not fill the void within, but rather that "things" were meant to be "resources", merely reflecting "life style" versus "quality of life", and could never be the "source" of fulfillment, of happiness, love, peace, and serenity. I realized that having the expectation to somehow feel whole, fulfilled, and satisfied with the acquisition of just one more car, a bigger house, another promotion, better salary had led me to feelings of disappointment, fear, anxiety, emptiness, loneliness and despair. I realized how I had sought to create the illusion of happiness through the use and abuse of alcohol, how I had failed to nourish my spirit and soul. Through Christian fellowship and community in Alpha, I began to feel that the battle with life that I had been waging was unnecessary...that I hadn't lost the struggle, that there was hope and help. The warmth, affection, genuine interest, and love, yes, love, in the Alpha group setting allowed me to relax, open up, expose the real me, to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions. The outpouring of encouragement, support, solace and guidance from the other Alpha group members was like a wellspring of life-giving sustenance. The shell of indifference that I had clothed myself in over the years began to fall away and I began to feel care, concern and compassion, for others, to genuinely empathize and want to help and serve others. Alpha was also a doorway to many other activities for me. Over the past fourteen months, I have become active in many other parish programs, such as prayer meetings; men's faith sharing; Life in the Spirit, bible study and RCIA. During Alpha, I heard an analogy that compares the importance of Christian Community to a hot bed of glowing embers. When an individual ember is removed and placed aside, it begins to cool and soon turns an ashy gray. When the ember is returned to the bed of embers, it soon heats up and begins to glow again. So it is with Christians. When we are in community, we are warm and aglow with our Faith. When we remove ourselves from community, we may start to cool off, lose our glow of faith. Programs like Alpha bring us into community and cause us to glow with our faith. From my experience with Alpha I can say, how true, how very true. Through Alpha and the other activities previously mentioned, I truly believe that the Lord touched me, healed me and saved me. The affliction which I struggled with for so many years has been lifted from me. I have not had a drink of alcohol in over fourteen months. Moreover, I have not had to struggle with the terrible obsession and compulsion to do so, the Lord removed that burden from me. There has also been a great deal of healing in my relationships with others. My marriage is back on solid ground, I'm on good terms with my children, and I see my grandchildren any time I want. I've come to know a loving, kind, compassionate, forgiving God, who knows my human frailties and accepts me as I am. I experience serenity and strength that I don't recall ever having felt before. I know the power of prayer, that you can ask and receive. I'm thankful for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. I don't mean to imply that I've been completely transformed, or that I'm without shortcomings. But I do think that I'm a better person and I know that I'm a Christian. I know that Alpha is one of the instruments God used to work nothing short of a miracle in my life. This Alpha is the third session that I've attended. Assisting as a helper in the second session, this time I am participating as a group facilitator. I can honestly and sincerely tell you that, through Alpha, Jesus Christ is still casting out demons and healing the sick, and God is alive and well and working in our lives, I am literally living proof of that. If any readers are experiencing problems, feeling that the weight of the world is on your shoulders, seeking to find God or strengthen your faith, seeking purpose and direction in your life, or, even if you have a good life and simply want a better, fuller life, I encourage you to participate in The Alpha Program. You and every life you touch will be better for it. John Owens
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